You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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