around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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