forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
