What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
