from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
