I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
