I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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