I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
