those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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