awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
