a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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