Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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