The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize
