No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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