You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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