found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
