Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
