so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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