maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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