Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
