Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
