he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
