why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
