My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
