What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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