i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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