I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
