You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
