im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
