are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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