I accidentally had phone sex last night
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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