his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
