How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
