he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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