If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
