When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
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