I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
