Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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