I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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