Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
