just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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