the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
