think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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