We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
