now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Randomize
