I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Did I show you my penis last night?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
