UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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