yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
