I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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