I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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