we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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