I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize
