So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Randomize
