yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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