what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
