I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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