Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Someone signed my nipple.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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