new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
